Hello beautiful mamas (yes, I mean YOU, even if you have no children to hold, or no children at all. YOU, with the mother heart)!
I have to apologize because I missed a week in there. I don’t have a good excuse for you, so let’s suffice it to say that I’m human and hope you’ll forgive me! I’m learning to forgive myself, if nothing else.
This week, I’ve got something new and helpful for you. Very shortly after we lost Serenity, I signed up for Beryl Ayn Young’s free Illuminate course. Now, if we’re being honest, I didn’t touch it then. I was all about finding any information that would help me get through this ridiculous grief jungle and latched onto whatever I could find. It’s too bad, though, because I’ve started working through it over the last week and it’s a fantastic resource (and no, I’m not getting anything to say this, it just is really awesome). The course is primarily based in learning some photography techniques while capturing your loss, but also includes other elements as well.
For example, week 1 mentions writing a letter to your child. Admittedly, this is one part that I did not do. Here’s why: I wrote two letters to Serenity shortly after she passed and I was going through counselling. It was really helpful, and I think I’ll probably periodically continue journaling things directed to her, but mostly I just talk to her these days so I didn’t feel like repeating the process right now would be healing for me. If you haven’t done it, though, I highly recommend it.
So, I thought, instead of blabbing about who knows what, I’d show you my photographic work from week 1. Now, no laughing. I am not a photography major (which is okay with Illuminate!) and these are my first attempts. Truthfully, my husband is the one who takes over 90% of our photos and they turn out much better than mine hands down.
Without further ado, here’s my week 1!
This one I tried to capture the desire to mother something without having Serenity to mother. I remember feeling like that constantly, like I needed to help (I still have that feeling, but it’s more healthily directed elsewhere and less pressing). Everything is black and white except Serenity Bear (our Molly Bear – an amazing charity if you want a weighted bear and one to lend your support to, but I digress) because she was the only thing that I felt I was focused on.
This one provides a glimmer of hope and didn’t come until at least a month (probably more) into our loss. It’s definitely still not bright (why I edited to make it appear dimly lit) but I have chosen to turn my face toward the light and look for a glimmer of hope, however small, while still being surrounded by darkness.
And here – this is just most of my days after losing Serenity. Sad, angry, exhausted, and praying for the strength to make it through just one. more. moment.
So, I’m not sure which photo I like best. Which would you choose? Leave a comment to let me know.
Oh, and before you go, I really can’t overstate how healing this was. If you’ve lost a baby too, you should probably go sign up to help get your healing journey started. Don’t put it off like I did. Beryl has some really good stuff.
And today, I will leave it at that. Stay tuned for Week 2.
Thinking of you and your beautiful children gone too soon,